Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm