For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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I was just discussing this with my cat
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL