You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?