If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.