WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
All generalizations are stupid.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.