God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.