I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”