Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college