It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
What kind of a cult is this?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.