*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.