[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Childbirth is so beautiful
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.