Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
wait.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.