I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
i’m sure it’s fine
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
get you a girl who
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”