Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
You Might Also Like
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Never forget.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…