I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Strangers have the best candy.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it