If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Rambo Rambow
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.