“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!