Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You Might Also Like
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
still the best tweet of the year by far
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me as a parent
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating