Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties