You Might Also Like
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I feel it
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.