I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet