My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…