avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Feels
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.