My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Made something I’m not proud of
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt