I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
You Might Also Like
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?