I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
You Might Also Like
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…