Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.