Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.