My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Don’t tell me what to do
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.