I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”