Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
You Might Also Like
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
normalize having existential bread
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Sell your car
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing