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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Wednesday
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.