The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.