My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
can’t bark with your mouth full
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them