Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.