If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
You Might Also Like
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”