I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
You Might Also Like
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh