ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Thinking about Jeff