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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
6: are snakes just neck?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?