[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You Might Also Like
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I think about this a lot
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.