My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?