People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
crying
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan