People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.