Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously