Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
This 4th of July, please remember…
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
😏😏😏
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2