tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”