9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
No way!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Never forget.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”