Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: