Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
No. YOU-buprofen.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
your honor my client chooses dare
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma