If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg